Recently, i went on a weekend retreat with my church. I had been struggling as the weekend approached and had been working on a blog to help me sort though my thoughts. Anyway, the first night of the retreat we had a worship session that was probably the most fruitful worship i’ve had in a very long time. I may or may not end up posting the other blog, but in the moment, in that time of worship i found the solution to my struggles.
The picture i had in my head of the solution is difficult to describe. My struggles have really worn me down and trying to see through that mess to find solutions for each issue had me conceding defeat. Then, Friday night came along, the first night of the retreat, and the only real memory i have of the evening is the one thing i managed to say to the LORD.
The first song of the set was “Reign In Us’ by Starfield. For the first time in a long time, i just found myself utterly speechless. For the first time in a long time, i felt something. I felt some bit of emotional closeness to the LORD. There are times, there are seasons in life where i think we wax and wane in our faith, sometimes emotionally, sometimes intellectually. The most difficult times in my life are ones where i survive merely on the knowledge of my faith. This season was a particularly long and difficult.
So what was that one thing? What was the one thing i managed to say? “Reign in me…”
More importantly, “Reign in me, even when i don’t want You to.”
The toughest part, and most fruitful aspect of this season was realizing that there is a significant difference between what i think, what i know, and what i believe. I know what i need. The toughest part is the believing; believing in the thing you know you need.
Life would be so boring..